


I Blame You

by Alex51324



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Gen, Meta, movie reaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 15:43:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4570161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex51324/pseuds/Alex51324
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Napoleon and Illya discuss a certain movie they have just seen...</p>
<p>(Contains spoilers for the 2015 Man From UNCLE reboot movie.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Blame You

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Это всё ты виноват!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10480812) by [Molly_Malone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molly_Malone/pseuds/Molly_Malone)



“I blame you for this,” Illya said as they walked out of the movie theater. Napoleon had been the one to convince Illya to accept the offer to sell the movie rights to their names and likenesses, a couple of decades ago now.

Not that the filmmakers had really _needed_ the rights to their likenesses, as it turned out. 

“It wasn’t _that_ bad,” Napoleon protested. 

“They made my father a traitor!”

“Well, you wouldn’t tell them anything about your background….they had to make something up.”

“He was a Hero of the Soviet Union.”

“You aren’t about to, ah, have one of your ‘psychotic episodes,’ are you?” Napoleon asked. “Should I look for a table you can flip over?”

“Oh, be quiet. Shall I stand guard while you rob that art gallery?”

“They did get one or two things right,” Napoleon noted. “The way you sat there staring at a chess board while a cute girl danced around in her pyjamas. I’m pretty sure you did that at least once.”

“There was also the part where you _slept_ with the villainess,” Illya pointed out. “I’m not sure I can _count_ how many times you did that.”

“Well, I did wise up eventually,” Napoleon said, slipping his arm around Illya’s waist. There were _some_ things he liked about this brave new century. 

“Took you long enough. Cowboy.”

“ _Red Peril_ ,” Napoleon said, with a laugh. “I don’t know why they had to make you so _tall_.”

“I don’t know why they had to make _you_ so smarmy. The man in that movie was at least ten percent smarmier than you really were.”

“And you were always a better pickpocket than me,” Napoleon added.

“And a better safecracker.” 

Napoleon cuffed him playfully. “Hey! You were supposed to say something I’m better at.”

“I will, as soon as I think of something,” Illya promised. “The part where he sat on his arse and drank wine while I was being drowned and set on fire seemed very true to life.”

“You mean the part where I drove the truck into a boat to rescue you? I suppose that was pretty accurate. Except he should have complained about my not saving the sandwich for him.”

Illya peered up the street. “Now that you mention it, do you think Zeigler’s is open? I could use a sandwich.”

“Only one way to find out,” Napoleon said, taking the turn that would take them to the deli. “I thought the ending was OK.”

“Hmph. He’d have been shot the moment he got back to Moscow. That is, if they’d ever let a child of an enemy of the people be in the KGB to begin with.”

“Okay, maybe it wasn’t realistic,” Napoleon conceded, “since they’re apparently pretending UNCLE didn’t exist before the two of us decided to team up. But the whole, you know, choosing each other over their national loyalties. I liked that.”

They walked in silence for a few paces before Illya said, “I suppose that part was…reasonably accurate.”

“Right. They made me a criminal…and you the size of an entire football team…but if they were only going to get one part right….”

“They got the most important thing.”


End file.
